When we think about “gentle parenting” in terms of what has been perpetuated on social media, which type of parenting style do you think it aligns most with? I’d argue that it has taken a shift to the upper left quadrant, leaving children lost and confused and their adults discouraged and exhausted. While we probably can’t correct this social media confusion of what gentle parenting has become colloquially, we can discuss and promote more effective parenting through an authoritative model like Positive Discipline. This is similar to what I’ve observed people discuss as ‘responsive parenting’ too. Regardless of the titles, it is most important to encourage parents to hold their boundaries with their children while being kind and firm and helping them learn important life skills through problem-solving. Some of the primary foundations of authoritative parenting styles are focusing on solutions, setting clear standards, holding to them respectfully, and being responsive to the child’s emotional and physical needs.

Why is authoritative parenting considered the most effective long-term? We’ve seen what happens when parents are permissive in videos of children acting disrespectfully towards others or “ruling the roost,” and their adults are too generous in their response, allowing chaos to prevail. They have no structure or boundaries to guide them, which mostly produces people who expect the world handed to them and can’t cope with disappointment, among other issues. Uninvolved parents typically generate children who have no sense of belonging. This, in turn, creates insecure attachments and produces children who are at a much higher risk for anxiety and other mental health issues and significant behavioral problems like impulsivity, aggression, and substance abuse (Sehat, 2022). Authoritarian parenting styles are arguably effective. I won’t lie to you. That is why it’s a parenting style that is confused to be “best practice” in creating “obedient” children. This unfortunate confusion perpetuates the belief that children need punishments, even physical punishments like spanking, to get the point across. While these tactics can seem effective, as children often stop undesirable behavior after experiencing the punishment, their efficacy is often short-lived, and the child develops shame, self-doubt, and fear. Long-term, this parenting style is known to produce either people pleasers or rebels, and it certainly doesn’t foster connection and belonging between parent and child. These children also have higher rates of bullying behavior and aggression (Golden, 2024). Authoritative parenting is a long game. While it may not always yield immediate results like authoritarian parenting, it will be worth the work in the long term. It also allows the adult to respect themselves while respecting the child’s needs in fostering cooperation (note that I don’t say “obedience”). When children are encouraged and held to reasonable, developmentally appropriate expectations, they will flourish and want to cooperate. But, like with any new skill, it takes repetition to learn it. A child who receives proper scaffolding (a fancy term for active teaching) will be more successful than a child who is simply forced into a desirable behavior through punishment.

Now, back to “gentle parenting.” The intent is honorable. Parents don’t want to cause their children discomfort. I get it. Who wants to see their child uncomfortable? But, the misconception lies in believing that discomfort is always a bad thing. In disciplining children, discomfort is vital in developing humans who can regulate themselves and are resilient when life doesn’t go their way. It’s important to work that discomfort muscle now while the discomfort is not having ice cream for dinner or not kicking another person’s seat on the airplane instead of what is to come in adulthood. In disciplining your child, you are respecting them and honoring them. And as we learned, successful discipline doesn’t involve blame, shame, and punishments. We can be kind and firm with our children simultaneously, as Dr. Jane Nelsen often discusses in Positive Discipline.

Don’t let social media discourage you. Trust the experts and research, and shut out the noise. Find the right balance in authoritative parenting, and you will see positive results in your relationship with your child and their behavior. Hang in there… It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Sources:

Golden, B. (2024). Authoritarian Parenting: Its Impact, Causes, and Indications. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202402/authoritarian-parenting-its-impact-causes-and-indications

Sehat, P. (2022). Uninvolved Parenting – Psychological Effects on Children. Well Beings Counseling. https://wellbeingscounselling.ca/uninvolved-parenting-psychological-effects-on-children/